by Sabina Sully

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs: Dick, Ron, and George. Dick was a greedy little pig, Ron was a handsome little pig, and George…well, George was a stupid little pig. But all three of these pigs had something in common. They were all part of an exclusive club. Their club was made up of privileged pigs-pigs that felt like they were better than everyone else was. These little pigs also had something else in common: they were all afraid. There was something after these pigs, something that wanted to break up their exclusive club, that wanted them to share their power equally among all creatures. This thing was the Big Bad Virginian Woolf. The Big Bad Woolf was after them, and they knew they needed to find a safe refuge.

First, they were going to build themselves a house. Unfortunately, Dick kept lying about how much everything cost, Ron kept forgetting where he put the tools, and George kept getting into fights with the neighbors. They soon decided that building might not be the best plan. So they set out to find another place to stay. Soon, a few member of their club contacted them, and told them that there was a house that they could go to. This house was a certain kind of clubhouse, and though not all the members of the club were comfortable with Dick, Ron, and George, enough members liked them that they could stay there. This house, which contained the club of representation, made them feel welcome. So, the three little pigs felt safe.

After a few days though, they started to hear murmuring. Cryptic words, like ERA, pro-choice and equality were being whispered through the corridors. The pigs no longer felt safe. Sure enough, within a month, the Big Bad Woolf was knocking at the door. "Little pigs" it said, " please let me in, or I'll be forced to huff, and puff, and blow this house right down". Dick, Ron and George knew that they could not just let it in, that the Woolf would be the death of them. So the Woolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the house right in.

Dick, Ron, and George were quickly escorted to a new house. This house was the house of a more exclusive club-it had stronger walls, and the members were much more comfortable with the pigs than the first club members had been. So the pigs felt safe. They said, "That Bitch Woolf, why, we should kill it the next time it tries to find us". But they kept the doors locked, and didn't go outside. Within a few weeks though, the pigs again started to hear disturbing whispers. Sexual harassment, domestic violence, affirmative action. The pigs stopped calling the Woolf a bitch.

Soon enough, there was a pounding on the door. "Little pigs," the voice said, "I'm just as good as you-now let me in, or I'll be forced to huff, and puff, and blow this house right in". The pigs knew they could not let it in. So the Woolf huffed, and puffed, and blew the house in.

Dick, Ron and George knew that they had only one option left. They would have to go to the house of secret agent Double U. Double U's house was big white, and strong. There was no way the Woolf could get in. Secret agent Double U's house did not hold a club; it was an individual residence-but a very powerful one. Dick, Ron, and George felt very welcome there. "That dumb Woolf," they said, "why, that bitch won't be able to make it onto the front lawn of this place".

For several years the three little pigs lived in reclusive safety. They heard no disquieting whispers no disturbing murmurs. Dick, Ron, and George began to feel very safe. Then, one quiet afternoon, they began to hear voices from outside. Just a quiet chanting that could be heard through the open windows. But there was no knock at the door, and no shout to be let in. The pigs ignored it. But the noise grew louder, and the pigs grew nervous. They boarded up the windows. The chanting went away. Until one day, when even through the thick walls, and even through the boards on the windows, they could again discern a chanting from outside. "Little pigs, little pigs, let us in", the voices sang, "we're just as good as you are, so let us in, or we'll be forced to huff, and puff, and blow this house right in!" "Us" the pigs though, "we're"? They grew very nervous. They decided to take a peak outside. What they saw scared them more than anything that they had previously experienced. The Big Bad Woolf was no longer alone. Outside of their safe haven was a giant crowd-all of the members of all of the clubs whose houses had been huffed, and puffed and blown right in were out there-and they all looked angry. The crowd chanted again-louder this time, angrier, and with more force than the Big Bad Woolf could have done alone. "Little Pigs!" the crowd screamed, "this is your last chance, let us in, or we will, Huff, and we will Puff, and we will blow your house in. We are strong, and we are smart, and we are joined together in battle. LET US IN!" Ron, Dick, and George hid. But with the Woolf leading the charge, the crowd came, and they huffed, and they puffed, and they blew the house in.

The three little pigs had no where left to run. When they were found, all hiding together in the executive bathroom, they knew they were defeated, and that there club was not going be able to exclusively wield power any longer. No one knows for sure what happened to Dick, Ron, and George after they were found, but it is known that when they were found, the hierarchy with the exclusive club of pigs on top was dismantled forever.