The Princess and the Pea
by Valerie Schwartz

Once, in a time and place inconsequential, there lived a prince named Wendell. He was beginning to approach that point in a man's life when settling down and behaving like a grownup might become priorities, and although Wendell wasn’t too keen on either of these options, mum had been on his case about finding a suitable wife. Wendell scoped out the scene, gracing the local pubs with his presence, and actually encountered a few cute chicks who claimed to be princesses. Wendell’s relationships with these women never lasted more than a date or two, however, for the supposed "princesses" inevitably did or said something to reveal their plain old civilian status. The queen was frustrated with her son’s inability to meet a match of royal blood and attributed it to the poor quality of the venues he chose to frequent.

"Mum, don’t you understand that pubs are the only place where a lad my age can go to find a chick?" Wendell whined defensively. "I mean, we live in this drab little kingdom… what else can I do?"

“Well since you can’t manage to meet a girl on your own, I’ll simply have to inquire amongst the ladies in my quilting circle,” his mother responded. “I’m sure they’ll know plenty of single princesses.”

Wendell balked at the notion of being set up by his mother; surely, the chicks she’d suggest would be homely, or prudish, or both. Depressed, he spent the remainder of the rainy evening slumped in front of his Playstation. The prince, engrossed in Madden, was only vaguely aware of the storm outside growing increasingly violent. Then, suddenly and simultaneously, a shockingly loud thunderclap, a bellowed obscenity, and a knock on the door reverberated throughout the castle. (The obscenity came from Wendell, whose game had just taken a turn for the worst.) Moments later, the queen appeared in her son’s room with her hands resting on the shoulders of… the hottest chick Wendell had ever seen.

"Hi, I’m Princess Fiona," said the stranger, giving Wendell a firm handshake. "I was on my way to a women’s rights march in the next kingdom, but my horses were afraid of the storm. Your mom said I can crash here tonight." Wendell stared, dumbfounded, at Fiona’s sopping wet white dress.

The queen took Wendell aside and whispered, "I have trouble believing that this girl is a princess. She seems like one of those radical hippie-types, and she drives an old farm wagon instead of being driven in a coach. But I figure we’re desperate, so I’m going to test her."

“Test?” asked Wendell, still gawking at Fiona.

"Yes," replied the queen. "I will place a single pea underneath a stack of twenty featherbeds. If Fiona is, indeed, a princess, her heightened sensitivity will prevent her from sleeping, due to the discomfort of the pea." Smiling, the queen turned and led Fiona to the guest chambers.

Wendell had difficulty sleeping that night, as he couldn’t stop fantasizing about having Fiona and that diaphanous gown in his wedding bed. He prayed to whatever gods might exist that this girl truly be a princess.

Incidentally, Wendell wasn’t the only one having difficulty sleeping. Atop her mountain of featherbeds, Fiona tossed and turned until she could stand it no longer. She hopped off and began to rearrange the downy tower. As she flung featherbeds right and left, Fiona noticed in her peripheral vision a tiny, rolling object. "What the hell?" Fiona muttered, picking up the pea. Instantaneously, it clicked. "The queen is trying to determine whether I’m a proper princess… she probably wants me to marry that god-awful son of hers!" Satisfied with her discovery, Fiona curled up on a featherbed and fell fast asleep.

The next morning, the princess joined the castle residents at the breakfast table.

"Did you sleep well, dear?" asked the queen.

"Superbly," Fiona answered. "That is, after I removed this silly pea from under my featherbeds. Thank you so much for your hospitality… now I must be on my way to the protest!" Ignoring the queen’s expression of astonishment, Fiona daintily bit into a scone. She then addressed Wendell, who continued to ogle her body.

"By the way," said Fiona, jerking the prince’s chin so that he was forced to make eye contact with her for the first time, "I’m up HERE." And with that, the princess departed. The end.

P.S. Prince Wendell remained a lifelong bachelor, residing with his mother until her death at age 94.